dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
