either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
