who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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