Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
He did a backflip because drugs
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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