Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
