I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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