I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
You pole danced in your parka.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Randomize
