I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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