dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Randomize
