Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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