was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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