I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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