She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
