Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
