he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
You ate ashes out of my bong
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
