First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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