In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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