i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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