If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
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