And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
