i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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