It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
