Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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