woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Randomize
