I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
