I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
