I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
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The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
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And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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