i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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