i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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