Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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