tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
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