Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
