Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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