That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
we should paint friendship bongs
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
