Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
