i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Randomize
