Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
