Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
You pole danced in your parka.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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