but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
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His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
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I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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