we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
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