Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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