Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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