He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
