my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
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She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation