I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
