it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
