Hey man sorry I got all grabby
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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