That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Randomize
