Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Randomize
