Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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