Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
