Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
her facebook's as public as her vagina
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
