I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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