I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
