So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
We just shotgunned beers for America
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
