When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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