I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
you didnt know i had herpes?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
