I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
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