Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
