If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
