Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
