I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
